Right now I'm playing Mom again to my little brothers. My mom is having surgery again tomorrow morning, to fix the boo-boo the doctor did last time she had surgery. But instead of if being in the town I live in, she had to go 2.5 hours away because of the doctor. So it's not like we can just pop in and see her. :( Which puts me in Mom duty for a while. So instead of being able to jet off to the park after work and go walking or running I get to leave work early to pick them up from school and go home and supervise and make dinner and attempt at keeping the house clean. And pretty honestly this is what made my world come crashing down in May when she had her last surgery. I basically haven't worked out much since then. I lost my groove. And it's so so hard to get back into it once it's gone.
I feel like I have started over so much this year. It kind of feels like I have mentally lost. I absolutely don't feel like I have finished what I started. I feel like I failed again. Another year. And yes. I do have 4 months left. But it's nowhere near where I wanted to be at this time. Part of me is disappointed that I didn't get rid of all my "big" winter clothes because I "wasn't" going to need them. Here I am back around the same size as I was last year. In the same clothes that are absolutely driving me crazy.
It's really an interesting thought to think: Why isn't that enough to motivate me back into working out and eating healthier? Why is it that when everything falls apart (so to speak) or things don't go the way I think they should; why do I automatically turn to food and not to God? And for heaven's sake it's not broccoli and apples I crave, it's all the stuff that I eat that I found out I'm allergic to. Which of course makes my body react, and there you go with me holding on my body weight and not losing. Or lose and gain the same 3 pounds for 2 months. I still haven't had that A-ha moment where it clicks. And life changes permanently.
Hello? A-ha? Where are you?
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