Wednesday Weigh in Week 40

eeh. .6 pounds up today. I'm gonna be pretty honest. It's that time of the month for me as a girl. It's always a fun one when it comes on weigh in day. Not. Or the fact that I ate a box of girl scout cookies in two days. Or the coffee I'm having. Or maybe the ice cream. Yeah. I'm not really good at discipline right now. And I am starting to see the toll. Like the mini emotional breakdowns in my closet because I got rid of all my "bigger" clothes and now since I've been gaining weight again none of my clothes fit. It makes me wonder sometimes where the mutilate your own body by shoving massive amounts of food in it came in to play. Like who thinks of these things? How did it come to be? And how in the world did it start to become my pattern? Why did food become my turn to instead of God? I have never ever been one of the kind to starve myself or make myself throw up. But I can shove it down like no one's business. Which is quite frightening  to think of after watching a Dr Oz show on binge eating. And how to stomach grew and they showed an x-ray of it. I freaked out. But it didn't quite stop me from eating. Although. I don't know if I would actually put me in the category of binge eating. I don't know. I usually don't sit and eat large quantities at one time. It's more like just eating all throughout the day. So it's kind of weird.

Honestly life is kind of hard right now. I've got my Mom recovering from surgery. I don't know if I've been the greatest help around this time, but I'm doing what I can. And I have to face the truth of the fact that I have another family member dying. The cancer has returned. The end is inevitable. I haven't had to face this road since 8 years ago when my Dad passed away from cancer. And you know what. I'm not looking forward to it. And food, like always is once again my coping mechanism. My I don't want to deal with this right now, so I'm going to just eat whatever the crap I want to to numb myself and make all the pain go away.

And the hardest part is knowing what I need to do and then simply not doing it. I know I need to make "me" time. The time where I tell everyone no and go do my working out. But I can only handle a dirty kitchen for so long, and there are times where I just have to cook dinner, and well there you go again. Yo yo up..yo you down.

So there's the ugly part of weigh loss. The part where it's not even happening. The part where I'm really just trying to make it through the day. And if that includes two lunches. Or 2 coffees a day it might happen. But eventually I have to get it back to an hour-long workout, a sense of accomplishment and about more 100 pounds gone.

And that's the balance I haven't been able to find yet.

Wednesday Weigh in Week 39

Back in the yo-yo again. 2.2 pound gain this week. I obviously have no shame. I still come on every Wednesday to post my gain when it should be a loss. That's not motivating me enough now is it. Right now it kind of feels like I'm just pretending at this game. I'm really sitting on the sidelines waiting for a turn to get put back in. The hardest part is starting over. Again and again.

Yo-yo up...yo-yo down...

Wednesday Weigh in week 38

38 weeks. Where has this year gone? It's downright crazy to think that we are almost done with this year already. That's kind of how my mind works, we start hitting that cold weather and bam! The year is over. Haha..Twisted thinking...

I have been very very bad lately. Drinking coffee almost every day. The problem is I don't have the stuff to make the coffee. So of course I have to buy it. And with all the money that I have spent on buying it, I could have just bought a bag of coffee, the syrup, and some sort of milk to go in it. *smacks forehead*. Then I could at least be making it at home.

I'm beginning to realize how big of an issue that dairy is for me. Only because I have been having a lot of it again lately with coffee and various ice cream runs. I am pretty sure it just like instantly bloats me. Which is a complete and utter shame because I LOVE milk. Which is probably why I've been having a hard time letting go of the coffee again. It's the only time I will have milk. Like I haven't sat down and had a glass of milk since I found out I was allergic to it. But I have had ice cream or frozen yogurt or coffee with milk in it :) It's so so hard to let go of something like that. I can tell the difference though.:/

I have been a good girl and stayed away from the peanuts. Now that's a miracle! I haven't had peanuts since July. Right at 3 months now. Oy. I gotta get cracked down on this milk and dairy again. The garlic has been hit and miss. I avoid it when I can. But it's an ingredient in almost everything known to mankind. Good grief! Things you wouldn't expect it to be in have it in there dang it! Haha. And I have gotten into a good routine of only eating beef 2x a week. That one is kind of easy. But I really have to plan for it however.

Having said all of that. I gained 1.6 pounds again. And its the choices I make in food. Now that I am back to school I really need to get settled back into a routine of eating and working out. I am really good at saying it. Now I really need to be good at doing it. If it's one thing I am learning this year about finishing what I start, it's that the process is more in my head. I am wanting it more than ever. I just need to figure out the applying process and I will be doing good :0)

Wednesday weigh in week 37

You know, Wednesday's really creep up on me! Before I know it, there it is Wednesday again and time to do another weigh in. I'm only up .5 a pound right now. Obviously I am doing a reaaaaallly good job at maintaining my weight. I haven't quite found my workout schedule again yet, and I've been eating crap. Which leads to crap. There ya go. I said it.

Right now I'm playing Mom again to my little brothers. My mom is having surgery again tomorrow morning, to fix the boo-boo the doctor did last time she had surgery. But instead of if being in the town I live in, she had to go 2.5 hours away because of the doctor. So it's not like we can just pop in and see her. :( Which puts me in Mom duty for a while. So instead of being able to jet off to the park after work and go walking or running I get to leave work early to pick them up from school and go home and supervise and make dinner and attempt at keeping the house clean. And pretty honestly this is what made my world come crashing down in May when she had her last surgery. I basically haven't worked out much since then. I lost my groove. And it's so so hard to get back into it once it's gone.

I feel like I have started over so much this year. It kind of feels like I have mentally lost. I absolutely don't feel like I have finished what I started. I feel like I failed again. Another year. And yes. I do have 4 months left. But it's nowhere near where I wanted to be at this time. Part of me is disappointed that I didn't get rid of all my "big" winter clothes because I "wasn't" going to need them. Here I am back around the same size as I was last year. In the same clothes that are absolutely driving me crazy.

It's really an interesting thought to think: Why isn't that enough to motivate me back into working out and eating healthier? Why is it that when everything falls apart (so to speak) or things don't go the way I think they should; why do I automatically turn to food and not to God? And for heaven's sake it's not broccoli and apples I crave, it's all the stuff that I eat that I found out I'm allergic to. Which of course makes my body react, and there you go with me holding on my body weight and not losing. Or lose and gain the same 3 pounds for 2 months. I still haven't had that A-ha moment where it clicks. And life changes permanently.

Hello? A-ha? Where are you?