Wednesday Weigh in Week 42

Meh. I am in total survival mode at this point. I have thankfully quit shoving everything in sight into my mouth. This is helped by the fact that I am broke LOL! No money means no buying crap to shove into your body! No money however also leads to no buying good food for your body. Drat that double-edged sword.

I took today and tomorrow off. Needed some alone time before Saturday. I was a little surprised that my work actually allows 5 days for bereavement leave. I have actually taken 3. Don't think I will end up using the other two, since it was so crazy broken up LOL. But I'm pretty sure I can go to work with no kids and work for 3 hours on friday ;)

We are back to our crazy bi-polar weather :0) Cold in the morning (I keep having to defrost my car!!)and warm in the afternoon. (I'm getting rid of the coat!!) Must mean it's fall!

Tomorrow I have to get some more shopping done before my co-worker's bridal shower in the morning. And I really have got to get this zucchini bread made that I have had zucchini's for for the last 3 weeks. Geesh! I am getting behind in my baking. I have apples that are waiting to be made into applesauce too. That is if my brother's don't quit eating them! Haha.

Up to my eyeballs

I have come to a realization that I don't want to post here unless I have positive things to say. Haha. And my life hasn't exactly been a bed of roses lately. So I think I have refrained from writing, because I don't want it sound like I feel like my life has been a bit of a mess. But it has, so I guess it's just time to quit thinking about that.

I have about had it up to my eyeballs this last week. With my mom having to go back to the doctor, to my grandpa passing away the same day, and then I had my sister in law in the emergency room TWICE with pain they couldn't figure out. Needless to say, I'm physically tired, emotionally tired and I'm ready for a break.

And I'm tired of food! That's a sign right there that I have just eaten so dang much lately. But isn't food the universal comfort when someone passes away? The thing that brings everyone together. Or drowning your sorrow in food? I think I'm beyond that point. Not quite ready to quit eating everything! LOL ;) I do like food. Just not right now.

I chopped my hair off this week. It's funny how you start to see patterns in your life. When things start to get kind of bad and I start to feel the signs and signals of depression, I chop my hair. Because well it needed it for one thing. But it's some sort of self appreciation thing? Usually when I get depressed it has something to do with my appearance. And by cutting my hair it makes me start to feel better about how I feel. So I found a wonderful new hairdresser who spent an hour and 15 minutes with me, teaching me how to style( ie blow dry) my hair and I ended up with a hairstyle that I didn't have to wash for 2 days! That was kind of nice. Until I blow dryed my hair today for the first time and realized I didn't have the little piece to go on my blow dryer to control the airflow. The piece I had went to my last blow dryer. :/ Dang it. Looks like I will be getting a new blow dryer soon if that's the case. I so happy that I found someone who knows how to cut short hair. I actually came out of there looking the closest to a picture that I took in.

My big thing this week is practicing the song I get to sing at my Grandpa's funeral on Saturday. He wanted Amazing Grace sung. Not sure the way that I'm gonna sing it ;) But I think it will be a good thing :) Now I just have to not look at any family member while singing it, so as to not start crying in the middle of it :) I worked on it a little bit after church today, but since I really haven't sang the song in 4 years, I'm a little rusty on it. :) Will be spending lots of time in my room singing this week HAHA!

The seasons are changing around here. Which seems to be a perfect time to make changes in other things. The next change I need to make is to start working out again. My knee has been killing me. Which shows me I've gained too much weight back and it's way beyond time to get serious again...

Wednesday Weigh in Week 41

Well, the inevitable happened last night. My grandpa passed away. For us to know it was happening and have to slowly watch it was not fun at all. But the actual speed of it was quicker than we had thought. Sunday wasn't a good day, and the nurse and my grandma couldn't get him to wake up for his dialysis treatment on Monday, and then last night around 6 he was gone. The stubborn old man waited until no one was with him before he left. Which left my grandma in tears. We had a text saying come say goodbye, and by the time my aunt and sister had gotten the two blocks from our house to theirs he was already gone. We weren't expecting this until at least Friday. But it's here. And he isn't in pain anymore, Praise the Lord. I think by the time things are so long and drawn out by the end of it, you want the death for them because, Let's face it: No pain is better than pain. And it was hard to go over and not have him recognize you. Or to see him tremble like he did in so much pain. We will forever love the nurses that were with him at the house.

I was able to be there yesterday afternoon. I was able to go in and silently say my goodbye. At that point he had been "sleeping" for over 24 hours and I knew time was close. So I spent a few hours with my grandma and uncle and the nurse. Not knowing that within 4 hours he would be gone. But knowing it was soon.

And after my mom went over and came back I went back over and was there with the family. And didn't cry until I saw my uncle weeping. Which still brings me to tears. A man crying will get me every every time. And then I went and bought cookies. And promptly ate 3 of them. Because Dairy Queen was closed and I couldn't get ice cream. So there you go. Still treating myself with food.

So today I am home again. Mom has some more appointments today because she is still in so much pain from the surgery. She barely made it home from Spokane before he passed away. And life will keep going. Although a little more somber than it has been. And there will be a new normal of things. Slowly. I honestly haven't lost a grandparent in 25 years. I have forgotten what that feeling is like. Although I lost my Dad 8 years ago. And this reminded me of that so much. And its that pain and remembering that's the hardest. How similar the endings were.

And now I have to prepare to sing for the Patriarch of our clan. The one who wants a Halloween Bach played at his service, fitting that he passed away in October.  And Amazing Grace. Although probably not the version he knew so well. ;)

Weight wise I pretty much stayed even. Just a couple ounces less than I was last week, and if all I can do is maintain this week I am perfectly ok with that.

 

Wednesday Weigh in Week 40

eeh. .6 pounds up today. I'm gonna be pretty honest. It's that time of the month for me as a girl. It's always a fun one when it comes on weigh in day. Not. Or the fact that I ate a box of girl scout cookies in two days. Or the coffee I'm having. Or maybe the ice cream. Yeah. I'm not really good at discipline right now. And I am starting to see the toll. Like the mini emotional breakdowns in my closet because I got rid of all my "bigger" clothes and now since I've been gaining weight again none of my clothes fit. It makes me wonder sometimes where the mutilate your own body by shoving massive amounts of food in it came in to play. Like who thinks of these things? How did it come to be? And how in the world did it start to become my pattern? Why did food become my turn to instead of God? I have never ever been one of the kind to starve myself or make myself throw up. But I can shove it down like no one's business. Which is quite frightening  to think of after watching a Dr Oz show on binge eating. And how to stomach grew and they showed an x-ray of it. I freaked out. But it didn't quite stop me from eating. Although. I don't know if I would actually put me in the category of binge eating. I don't know. I usually don't sit and eat large quantities at one time. It's more like just eating all throughout the day. So it's kind of weird.

Honestly life is kind of hard right now. I've got my Mom recovering from surgery. I don't know if I've been the greatest help around this time, but I'm doing what I can. And I have to face the truth of the fact that I have another family member dying. The cancer has returned. The end is inevitable. I haven't had to face this road since 8 years ago when my Dad passed away from cancer. And you know what. I'm not looking forward to it. And food, like always is once again my coping mechanism. My I don't want to deal with this right now, so I'm going to just eat whatever the crap I want to to numb myself and make all the pain go away.

And the hardest part is knowing what I need to do and then simply not doing it. I know I need to make "me" time. The time where I tell everyone no and go do my working out. But I can only handle a dirty kitchen for so long, and there are times where I just have to cook dinner, and well there you go again. Yo yo up..yo you down.

So there's the ugly part of weigh loss. The part where it's not even happening. The part where I'm really just trying to make it through the day. And if that includes two lunches. Or 2 coffees a day it might happen. But eventually I have to get it back to an hour-long workout, a sense of accomplishment and about more 100 pounds gone.

And that's the balance I haven't been able to find yet.

Wednesday Weigh in Week 39

Back in the yo-yo again. 2.2 pound gain this week. I obviously have no shame. I still come on every Wednesday to post my gain when it should be a loss. That's not motivating me enough now is it. Right now it kind of feels like I'm just pretending at this game. I'm really sitting on the sidelines waiting for a turn to get put back in. The hardest part is starting over. Again and again.

Yo-yo up...yo-yo down...

Wednesday Weigh in week 38

38 weeks. Where has this year gone? It's downright crazy to think that we are almost done with this year already. That's kind of how my mind works, we start hitting that cold weather and bam! The year is over. Haha..Twisted thinking...

I have been very very bad lately. Drinking coffee almost every day. The problem is I don't have the stuff to make the coffee. So of course I have to buy it. And with all the money that I have spent on buying it, I could have just bought a bag of coffee, the syrup, and some sort of milk to go in it. *smacks forehead*. Then I could at least be making it at home.

I'm beginning to realize how big of an issue that dairy is for me. Only because I have been having a lot of it again lately with coffee and various ice cream runs. I am pretty sure it just like instantly bloats me. Which is a complete and utter shame because I LOVE milk. Which is probably why I've been having a hard time letting go of the coffee again. It's the only time I will have milk. Like I haven't sat down and had a glass of milk since I found out I was allergic to it. But I have had ice cream or frozen yogurt or coffee with milk in it :) It's so so hard to let go of something like that. I can tell the difference though.:/

I have been a good girl and stayed away from the peanuts. Now that's a miracle! I haven't had peanuts since July. Right at 3 months now. Oy. I gotta get cracked down on this milk and dairy again. The garlic has been hit and miss. I avoid it when I can. But it's an ingredient in almost everything known to mankind. Good grief! Things you wouldn't expect it to be in have it in there dang it! Haha. And I have gotten into a good routine of only eating beef 2x a week. That one is kind of easy. But I really have to plan for it however.

Having said all of that. I gained 1.6 pounds again. And its the choices I make in food. Now that I am back to school I really need to get settled back into a routine of eating and working out. I am really good at saying it. Now I really need to be good at doing it. If it's one thing I am learning this year about finishing what I start, it's that the process is more in my head. I am wanting it more than ever. I just need to figure out the applying process and I will be doing good :0)

Wednesday weigh in week 37

You know, Wednesday's really creep up on me! Before I know it, there it is Wednesday again and time to do another weigh in. I'm only up .5 a pound right now. Obviously I am doing a reaaaaallly good job at maintaining my weight. I haven't quite found my workout schedule again yet, and I've been eating crap. Which leads to crap. There ya go. I said it.

Right now I'm playing Mom again to my little brothers. My mom is having surgery again tomorrow morning, to fix the boo-boo the doctor did last time she had surgery. But instead of if being in the town I live in, she had to go 2.5 hours away because of the doctor. So it's not like we can just pop in and see her. :( Which puts me in Mom duty for a while. So instead of being able to jet off to the park after work and go walking or running I get to leave work early to pick them up from school and go home and supervise and make dinner and attempt at keeping the house clean. And pretty honestly this is what made my world come crashing down in May when she had her last surgery. I basically haven't worked out much since then. I lost my groove. And it's so so hard to get back into it once it's gone.

I feel like I have started over so much this year. It kind of feels like I have mentally lost. I absolutely don't feel like I have finished what I started. I feel like I failed again. Another year. And yes. I do have 4 months left. But it's nowhere near where I wanted to be at this time. Part of me is disappointed that I didn't get rid of all my "big" winter clothes because I "wasn't" going to need them. Here I am back around the same size as I was last year. In the same clothes that are absolutely driving me crazy.

It's really an interesting thought to think: Why isn't that enough to motivate me back into working out and eating healthier? Why is it that when everything falls apart (so to speak) or things don't go the way I think they should; why do I automatically turn to food and not to God? And for heaven's sake it's not broccoli and apples I crave, it's all the stuff that I eat that I found out I'm allergic to. Which of course makes my body react, and there you go with me holding on my body weight and not losing. Or lose and gain the same 3 pounds for 2 months. I still haven't had that A-ha moment where it clicks. And life changes permanently.

Hello? A-ha? Where are you?