Wednesday weigh in week 70

Well now that we have officially been telling people, I suppose the cat's out of the bag. We are moving houses. This has caused a lot of stress over the last year, and frankly has been the cause of a lot of my overeating. But it's one of those things that you don't really want to talk about you know? I'm not entirely too happy to be moving out of this house after 23 years into a much smaller house. But it has to be done. So we are in the (horrible) process of going through an entire house and deciding what can be kept and what can't. Oh and we have about 2-3 weeks to do all this. Oy. Vey. And throw a yard sale in there somehow.

At this point I am just trying to maintain all the weight I have gained back. Funny thing to say huh? I am only 4 pounds away from what I was when I started this blog. That doesn't excite me very much. But I know that it's just a season. That I will get back into a more motivated mode. Right now it's all I can do to work and try to pack and sleep. Except I have had things to do every night this week because I am leaving tomorrow for a wedding 4 hours away. Bad timing to take a trip for sure. But as of right now I have everything packed except toiletries. So I feel like I'm doing good sort of LOL!

So right now my life is full of boxes and clutter and busyness. Not really where I wanted to be right before the end of school, but it's where I am at. Hoping to stay on track.

Wednesday Weigh in Week 69

Oy. This has been a tough week. Stuff going on at home, kids being crazy at work. And life in general. I managed to lose .2 something. Haha! And sometimes that's ok. If for the next month I can maintain where I'm at I think I would be ok for the moment. Not completely happy. But ok. And sometimes that's just how it has to be. Ok. Summer's coming. That's just all I gotta say.

Sorry for the short post, but my bed is calling me!

Wednesday weigh in week 51

Woah. I can't believe that I have been doing this for almost an entire year! And I can't believe I have gained all about about 10 pounds of my weight back. This definitely wasn't how the story played out in my head in January when I was serious and started all of this. This was going to be my year, and I was finally going to do it! Flash forward to December. My mom has had surgery 3 times this year, and I have had 3 deaths in the family since October. Less than 2 months. Um yeah. I have learned this year that I definitely live by circumstances. I have periods of doing great. Especially when I have a goal! And then life throws me a curve ball, and well, Dairy Queen becomes my new BFF. The most I lost this year was 25 pounds. So 15 has crept back on. And boy can I feel it!

And I know the things I need to do. I need to quit drinking coffee. I need to quit eating dairy. I need to quit eating wheat. I know how my body feels when I don't have these things in me. Especially when I am allergic to them. It's just so. dang. hard. To all of the sudden throw out a food you have eaten your entire life. And the staples of your diet. I mean. I tell people all of the things I am allergic to and they ask me what the heck I eat. Um yeah. Not a whole lot. And then I sneak in the foods that I shouldn't be eating. And don't even get me started on exercise. Here's the thing. When I work out. I lose weight. When I don't work out? I don't lose weight. Plain and simple. Cut and dry. Well yeah. If I could just manage to stay away from all the foods that I'm allergic to, and work out 6 times a week, I would probably have it made :)

Oh speaking of running, since I really wasn't ;) I finally just jumped ahead again to week 8 of the Couch to 5k and ran for half an hour today. Well I really didn't jump ahead because it was the week I was scheduled to do it. But I haven't ran at all in the last 2 weeks. The last day I did was week 6 day 1. And today I decided since it wasn't raining, and I really needed to get back to my running, I would just go for it. And I am such a fashion crisis when I run. It's kinda just ridiculous. Blue ear warmers, red and green shirts, black pants and black gloves. Oh and a white passport belt around my waist because that's my poor girl's running belt. (I mean, I actually thought it was genius! I had a belt, and it will hold my key, phone, and other little things. And then it wasn't all in my pockets, which my capris didn't have).

But I did my 30 minute run. And the craziest thing came out of my mouth when I was done. "Well that was kinda easy!" uh yeah. Well the first mile was 19:09 and the second mile was 19:03. I apparently did really good on my breathing because I wasn't out of breath, and completely wheezing or anything like that. Either that or I just plan didn't work hard enough. But I did realize that when I run my virtual 5k for Katie's 31st birthday next month that I will have to pick up a little speed. I'm thinking I was stupid when I said I wanted to finish it in under 48 minutes I think. I'm pretty sure I forgot I was back up to a 19 minute mile and not an 17 minute one. Hmmm...How am I going to do it that fast? If I go the pace I ran today it will still take me almost an hour to run 3.1 miles.I definitely need to drop some pounds so my time will speed up :0)

I was expecting to be panting when I started my 5 minutes of cooling down..but nope. I was fine. I miss running. Of course we are getting into the cold part of winter. I don't have a treadmill. I can't afford a gym. So I am just heading outside. OH and my knee didn't hurt while I was running! That was nice. When I started my little training plan it kept twinging while I was running, and it didn't do that today. I was a happy girl.

Ok, I could just blab blab blab..so I am going to get my lunch ready for work tomorrow and head to bed. But here is my picture. of my gain. Next week will be different.

Wednesday Weigh in Week 42

Meh. I am in total survival mode at this point. I have thankfully quit shoving everything in sight into my mouth. This is helped by the fact that I am broke LOL! No money means no buying crap to shove into your body! No money however also leads to no buying good food for your body. Drat that double-edged sword.

I took today and tomorrow off. Needed some alone time before Saturday. I was a little surprised that my work actually allows 5 days for bereavement leave. I have actually taken 3. Don't think I will end up using the other two, since it was so crazy broken up LOL. But I'm pretty sure I can go to work with no kids and work for 3 hours on friday ;)

We are back to our crazy bi-polar weather :0) Cold in the morning (I keep having to defrost my car!!)and warm in the afternoon. (I'm getting rid of the coat!!) Must mean it's fall!

Tomorrow I have to get some more shopping done before my co-worker's bridal shower in the morning. And I really have got to get this zucchini bread made that I have had zucchini's for for the last 3 weeks. Geesh! I am getting behind in my baking. I have apples that are waiting to be made into applesauce too. That is if my brother's don't quit eating them! Haha.

Up to my eyeballs

I have come to a realization that I don't want to post here unless I have positive things to say. Haha. And my life hasn't exactly been a bed of roses lately. So I think I have refrained from writing, because I don't want it sound like I feel like my life has been a bit of a mess. But it has, so I guess it's just time to quit thinking about that.

I have about had it up to my eyeballs this last week. With my mom having to go back to the doctor, to my grandpa passing away the same day, and then I had my sister in law in the emergency room TWICE with pain they couldn't figure out. Needless to say, I'm physically tired, emotionally tired and I'm ready for a break.

And I'm tired of food! That's a sign right there that I have just eaten so dang much lately. But isn't food the universal comfort when someone passes away? The thing that brings everyone together. Or drowning your sorrow in food? I think I'm beyond that point. Not quite ready to quit eating everything! LOL ;) I do like food. Just not right now.

I chopped my hair off this week. It's funny how you start to see patterns in your life. When things start to get kind of bad and I start to feel the signs and signals of depression, I chop my hair. Because well it needed it for one thing. But it's some sort of self appreciation thing? Usually when I get depressed it has something to do with my appearance. And by cutting my hair it makes me start to feel better about how I feel. So I found a wonderful new hairdresser who spent an hour and 15 minutes with me, teaching me how to style( ie blow dry) my hair and I ended up with a hairstyle that I didn't have to wash for 2 days! That was kind of nice. Until I blow dryed my hair today for the first time and realized I didn't have the little piece to go on my blow dryer to control the airflow. The piece I had went to my last blow dryer. :/ Dang it. Looks like I will be getting a new blow dryer soon if that's the case. I so happy that I found someone who knows how to cut short hair. I actually came out of there looking the closest to a picture that I took in.

My big thing this week is practicing the song I get to sing at my Grandpa's funeral on Saturday. He wanted Amazing Grace sung. Not sure the way that I'm gonna sing it ;) But I think it will be a good thing :) Now I just have to not look at any family member while singing it, so as to not start crying in the middle of it :) I worked on it a little bit after church today, but since I really haven't sang the song in 4 years, I'm a little rusty on it. :) Will be spending lots of time in my room singing this week HAHA!

The seasons are changing around here. Which seems to be a perfect time to make changes in other things. The next change I need to make is to start working out again. My knee has been killing me. Which shows me I've gained too much weight back and it's way beyond time to get serious again...

Wednesday Weigh in Week 40

eeh. .6 pounds up today. I'm gonna be pretty honest. It's that time of the month for me as a girl. It's always a fun one when it comes on weigh in day. Not. Or the fact that I ate a box of girl scout cookies in two days. Or the coffee I'm having. Or maybe the ice cream. Yeah. I'm not really good at discipline right now. And I am starting to see the toll. Like the mini emotional breakdowns in my closet because I got rid of all my "bigger" clothes and now since I've been gaining weight again none of my clothes fit. It makes me wonder sometimes where the mutilate your own body by shoving massive amounts of food in it came in to play. Like who thinks of these things? How did it come to be? And how in the world did it start to become my pattern? Why did food become my turn to instead of God? I have never ever been one of the kind to starve myself or make myself throw up. But I can shove it down like no one's business. Which is quite frightening  to think of after watching a Dr Oz show on binge eating. And how to stomach grew and they showed an x-ray of it. I freaked out. But it didn't quite stop me from eating. Although. I don't know if I would actually put me in the category of binge eating. I don't know. I usually don't sit and eat large quantities at one time. It's more like just eating all throughout the day. So it's kind of weird.

Honestly life is kind of hard right now. I've got my Mom recovering from surgery. I don't know if I've been the greatest help around this time, but I'm doing what I can. And I have to face the truth of the fact that I have another family member dying. The cancer has returned. The end is inevitable. I haven't had to face this road since 8 years ago when my Dad passed away from cancer. And you know what. I'm not looking forward to it. And food, like always is once again my coping mechanism. My I don't want to deal with this right now, so I'm going to just eat whatever the crap I want to to numb myself and make all the pain go away.

And the hardest part is knowing what I need to do and then simply not doing it. I know I need to make "me" time. The time where I tell everyone no and go do my working out. But I can only handle a dirty kitchen for so long, and there are times where I just have to cook dinner, and well there you go again. Yo yo up..yo you down.

So there's the ugly part of weigh loss. The part where it's not even happening. The part where I'm really just trying to make it through the day. And if that includes two lunches. Or 2 coffees a day it might happen. But eventually I have to get it back to an hour-long workout, a sense of accomplishment and about more 100 pounds gone.

And that's the balance I haven't been able to find yet.

Wednesday Weigh in week 38

38 weeks. Where has this year gone? It's downright crazy to think that we are almost done with this year already. That's kind of how my mind works, we start hitting that cold weather and bam! The year is over. Haha..Twisted thinking...

I have been very very bad lately. Drinking coffee almost every day. The problem is I don't have the stuff to make the coffee. So of course I have to buy it. And with all the money that I have spent on buying it, I could have just bought a bag of coffee, the syrup, and some sort of milk to go in it. *smacks forehead*. Then I could at least be making it at home.

I'm beginning to realize how big of an issue that dairy is for me. Only because I have been having a lot of it again lately with coffee and various ice cream runs. I am pretty sure it just like instantly bloats me. Which is a complete and utter shame because I LOVE milk. Which is probably why I've been having a hard time letting go of the coffee again. It's the only time I will have milk. Like I haven't sat down and had a glass of milk since I found out I was allergic to it. But I have had ice cream or frozen yogurt or coffee with milk in it :) It's so so hard to let go of something like that. I can tell the difference though.:/

I have been a good girl and stayed away from the peanuts. Now that's a miracle! I haven't had peanuts since July. Right at 3 months now. Oy. I gotta get cracked down on this milk and dairy again. The garlic has been hit and miss. I avoid it when I can. But it's an ingredient in almost everything known to mankind. Good grief! Things you wouldn't expect it to be in have it in there dang it! Haha. And I have gotten into a good routine of only eating beef 2x a week. That one is kind of easy. But I really have to plan for it however.

Having said all of that. I gained 1.6 pounds again. And its the choices I make in food. Now that I am back to school I really need to get settled back into a routine of eating and working out. I am really good at saying it. Now I really need to be good at doing it. If it's one thing I am learning this year about finishing what I start, it's that the process is more in my head. I am wanting it more than ever. I just need to figure out the applying process and I will be doing good :0)

Wednesday weigh in week 37

You know, Wednesday's really creep up on me! Before I know it, there it is Wednesday again and time to do another weigh in. I'm only up .5 a pound right now. Obviously I am doing a reaaaaallly good job at maintaining my weight. I haven't quite found my workout schedule again yet, and I've been eating crap. Which leads to crap. There ya go. I said it.

Right now I'm playing Mom again to my little brothers. My mom is having surgery again tomorrow morning, to fix the boo-boo the doctor did last time she had surgery. But instead of if being in the town I live in, she had to go 2.5 hours away because of the doctor. So it's not like we can just pop in and see her. :( Which puts me in Mom duty for a while. So instead of being able to jet off to the park after work and go walking or running I get to leave work early to pick them up from school and go home and supervise and make dinner and attempt at keeping the house clean. And pretty honestly this is what made my world come crashing down in May when she had her last surgery. I basically haven't worked out much since then. I lost my groove. And it's so so hard to get back into it once it's gone.

I feel like I have started over so much this year. It kind of feels like I have mentally lost. I absolutely don't feel like I have finished what I started. I feel like I failed again. Another year. And yes. I do have 4 months left. But it's nowhere near where I wanted to be at this time. Part of me is disappointed that I didn't get rid of all my "big" winter clothes because I "wasn't" going to need them. Here I am back around the same size as I was last year. In the same clothes that are absolutely driving me crazy.

It's really an interesting thought to think: Why isn't that enough to motivate me back into working out and eating healthier? Why is it that when everything falls apart (so to speak) or things don't go the way I think they should; why do I automatically turn to food and not to God? And for heaven's sake it's not broccoli and apples I crave, it's all the stuff that I eat that I found out I'm allergic to. Which of course makes my body react, and there you go with me holding on my body weight and not losing. Or lose and gain the same 3 pounds for 2 months. I still haven't had that A-ha moment where it clicks. And life changes permanently.

Hello? A-ha? Where are you?

Wednesday Weigh in Week 22

Gosh, it's crazy to look at 22 weeks gone already. Not too much to report right now. I promise to get back to more posting as soon as my life slows down a bit but here is my picture :0)

Yep. A loss of .2. Which is what I consider a good maintaining after the week of crappy eating I have had. So all in all I'm not too upset. I have to realize that times like this in life are going to come and I am going to have to figure out how to make it through them without gaining all the 20 pounds I have lost back. I just have to keep pressing forward!

Wednesday Weigh in Week 21

Yep. Survival Mode still. Well that and I'm a girl. And that's all I'm going to say about that. I am currently sitting in my pajama's fighting the urge to go and buy ice cream. My mind is telling me that it really needs a blizzard. My stomach isn't completely full. I was thinking about eating a piece of pizza in a little bit. That might help with this ice cream problem.

What I really need to do is get back to my gluten free diet. For the last couple of days I have this spot in my mouth that I am pretty sure is candida related. And I could probably get rid of it by going back to GF. My life is quite stressful at the moment. So I am just coping by using food. Sometimes I wish I was the other way around. Coping by not eating. But then again I want to be healthy. Or at least coping by working out. I still haven't figured out how to be home to take care of family and work out. I literally want to go to bed the second I know the boys are asleep because I am just so tired. Let's be real here. Getting up by 5:30 to take care of dog/Mom/boys, get me ready for work, work 7 hours, cook dinner, do baths, read stories, put boys to bed, clean the kitchen and try to keep my eyes open until 9 doesn't somehow include exercise. But it does include stuffing my face. Sometimes stuffing it to stay awake. Last night I crawled into bed at 8 hoping to get some much needed sleep. Yeah. I felt like I woke up every hour. Or to say the least felt like I rolled over a million times. It's 7 now and I am ready to crawl back into bed. Sometimes the dishes are just gonna stay dirty.

And I know it's bad to think that I'm really not all that concerned that my weight is going up and down right now. I think partly it's due to not wanting to beat myself up for not being on track to my goal. But circumstantially right now, I don't feel like I am doing all that bad. I haven't gained it all back. I'm at least being honest with myself. I'm under a 10 pound gain. I really just need to get through the next 3 weeks and then I will be able to get back to being really serious. Or that's what I keep telling myself in my head.

Wednesday weigh in week 20

Oh man. 20 weeks? Yikes

See I was all prepared for a big huge gain this week. I mean. After all I have been stuffing my face ALL week. And not exercising ALL week. Sometimes you just go into survival mode and life happens. So when I got on the scale this morning and this number came up I kind of got off scratching my head. So did I really gain all that weight last week or was it just a fluke on the scale? I don't know. All I know is the number went down and I stuffed my face all week. Weird but true.

I turned into instant full time mom last week when my Mom had major surgery and is going to be down and out for the next 4-6 weeks. So I am basically now watching 2 boys 24 hours a day and trying to figure out how to work and work out and not eat myself out of my body. I have less than a month until school is out and that's what I am waiting for right now! LOL!

Wednesday weigh in week 19

Ok. So let's just be completely honest and real here. My mom is in the hospital having some surgery done today. And two weeks ago when this mess all started I just kinda had a to heck with it moment, and I've been downhill since then. Yes I have been "carb-loading" and not in a good way. I am not to be trusted with donuts in the house. At all. And I've been to DQ a couple of times for some tasty blizzards. Or frozen yogurt. I haven't been able to be consistent in my working out. And sorry guys, but my cycle has thrown me all out of whack. All of this means 7 pounds gained in two weeks. Hmmmmmmm. I'm still pretty sure that not all of it is actual weight, or just water or bloating or whatever.

And I am most likely gonna have to be switching my workouts around for the next 6 weeks until Mom is fully recovered.

Needless to say it's always a fight for something. And even if my head is telling me that it wants to quit and give up and keep eating gluten and dairy and carbs, my heart is gonna win this battle. I refuse to live the rest of my life like this. And so the battle rages on.

Happy Wednesday...

Oh yeah!! Let's end on a happy note!! I have been borrowing Katie's garmin, and I have run with it 3 times now. This week I started bumping up my miles. I am up to 3.5 miles at a time. I found a great new path to go on and it's been interesting to see the difference between the garmin and my mapmyrun app. It's about .04 to.10 of a mile and about 20 seconds to 30 seconds difference in the average pace. All in all, its not too bad. On the one hand it's remembering to charge another thing before I run. On the other hand, it's nice to look down and see what my mileage and time is and not have to drag out the phone and unlock it and get it put away..Christmas present to myself maybe? ;)

Spring Cleaning

Sometimes when we do spring cleaning I think we end up cleaning more than just a room. Maybe it's just me but when I clean I feel like I am cleaning the inside of me as well as the outside room. I have been in high cleaning gear this week since it's Spring Break. Now I haven't exactly gotten every single thing done that I wanted to. But I have done a lot. I have emptied and dusted and vacuumed and rearranged two rooms. (With help!!). And I seem to have it pretty surface-y cleaned. But it's the things with doors that close and drawers that close that get me every time. I have shoved things into my closets and buffet of things to look at later, to go through later. Mainly things I just don't have room for, or papers to put away. Things I just don't want to deal with right now. Or projects that I think will take a long time to finish. So I avoid starting them. Sound like anything in your life?

It's amazing how much lighter I feel when my room is cleaned and organized. It's like a never ending stress has been lifted. Although I know I still have a lot to organize and get rid of in my room, I feel like I have won part of the battle. This week I got rid of 4 pieces of furniture in my room. My full bed, the nightstand that goes with it, a filing cabinet, and a media cabinet. And my rooms seem so much bigger (especially going back to a twin bed), and I don't feel so stressed. Yeah, yeah, maybe I'm weird like that ;)

So I got my new shoes yesterday!! I'm very excited about this. I switched my shoes from the Brooks Ariel to the Brooks Addiction. And my feet were much happier on my run yesterday. I was able to run the entire time and that mental block that I felt the other day was gone. I also ran a different course on the trail at the park. So that might have helped too? It's less crowded I think.

I was looking at my mapmyrun app and it showed my splits on my miles. I was amused that my first two miles were exactly the same! And my third mile I was trying to make myself run faster. Just little bits. I ended up 40 seconds faster in the last mile. But I also ran a little bit longer and did a shorter cool down walk. Right under 53 minutes for 3 miles. Which is awesome for me! I'm pretty excited about that. I battle this feeling of thinking I am running too slow and then super excited that I have that fast of a mile. I'll settle for being happy.

I'm in serious mourning right now. I have to give up my coffee. It's becoming too much of an addiction, too much of an idol. And for me to be serious about my weight loss it has to go. I am really hoping that later down the line I might be able to start having it again. But right now I just don't know. So after my syrup is gone that I have, the leftover coffee is going to my friend and I am going to nicely tuck all my coffee stuff away and move on. Sometimes you just have to sacrifice some things to get where you want to be. Considering I haven't been drinking it that long I should be ok with it. But it definitely doesn't take too long to be building habits, and so hopefully it won't take too long to get it out of my system. I can't be where I want to be by doing the things I always do. 

Got on the scale this morning :) This isn't a new thing. I usually weigh myself every day, but won't officially change the ticker until Wednesdays. It was back down to the number I was at before the wedding at the beginning of March. Which means once again I weigh what I did when I graduated high school. Which is scary and sad all at the same time. But I can wake up every day and say I weigh less than what I did when I was 18. From now on it's I haven't weighed this little since high school. I can do this. Especially when I want to give up. And eat bread or sugar or keep having coffee. I don't want to be like this for the rest of my life. Always fighting the same battles. Slight little motivators to keep going and push through weeks like last week.

Spring always makes me think new beginnings :) And I am ready for one for sure!