Wednesday Weigh in Week 79

Well, I am here to say that week one of do not weigh myself and not stress about weigh in came and went...and I don't think it went very well?

But then again, I am my own worst critic.

On the bright side of it all, I did manage to get a workout in! Oh man. I'm pretty sure it's the first time that I have worked out in the last 3 months maybe? I don't know. At any rate, I got my garmin all charged up, and my new running shoes on, and I went for a walk around my block. Haha..So the area that we just moved into, is kind of like a huge rectangle. So I walked the huge rectangle, expecting it to be around 3 miles. Well I was close..it ended up being 2.5 miles. Which still isn't horrible. I was hoping for 3 miles. For some reason in my head 3 miles seems like a minimum workout to me? Like if I don't get 3 miles in it's not worth it?

I'm weird..I know.

I let emotional eating get the best of me this week. I seriously need to buckle down, for my body and for my credit card's sake ;) I'm getting pretty determined to go all hard core on my diet again and seriously cut the dairy and gluten out. And eggs when at all possible. I mean I know eggs are baked into things. But if I can avoid most of that too, I will be doing good. I have been really hesitant pinning things on Pinterest because it's just a lot of dang work. It requires separate meals from my entire family. They have no desire to go gluten free. Nor do they need to. I don't really need to per se, but if I think about the blood type diet, gluten isn't good for my blood type. And I need to find an easy breakfast solution. Cinnamon sugar toast just ain't cutting it anymore. But a no gluten, no dairy, and no egg breakfast that's easy to make? Umm, I really have no desire to eat oatmeal every day. I did that once for a challenge and I really haven't touched the stuff again.

But back before I even knew I was allergic to all that stuff, and I cut it out at the beginning of the year because I thought I had Candida. I dropped almost 25 pounds in 3 months! So if I can wrap my head around that and remember those things. Yes, making and buying my own food is going to be hard. But if in the next half a year, since that's what I have left this year. But if I could lose 50 pounds in the next 6 months that would be amazing! And really it's quite do-able. So yeah. That's what I NEED to be doing.

So I'm thinking about being very stupid and starting a squat challenge next month. It's something I pinned that takes you in a month ending up doing 200 squats a month. Um yeah. I hate squats. But I want strong knees. And a strong backside really helps with running :0) So basically there are 5 squats that it has you do and you end up doing so many of them a day. In the end you do 10 reps of all 5 squats 4 times and that's your 200 squats a day. Sounds interesting enough. But can I do it? 3 days of squats and then a day of rest. And then it just repeats itself. I don't know if my back can handle it or not, or even my knees. I guess I don't have to go very deep if I can't handle it. But I'm really in the mood to start a challenge and finish it! Dang it. And I kind of liked this one? Oddly enough...for me who hates squats ;)

So in a way, I'm glad I didn't weigh myself today. I'm intrigued by the idea of doing all the work (which I will be getting myself to do) and not looking for the reward. Not looking for the payout. Not trying to live my life based on the 3 digit number I see staring back at me. To get out there and life my life. Not in fear of what that number will be when I get back on the scale in September. But to realize it doesn't define me. That number isn't Dena. It might be what I weigh. But it's not my personality. It's not my smile, my mind. My anything. Culture seems to think it should define me. But I'm about to defy culture right now in the next 3 months. Will I hate all my clothes. Absolutely. I'm in the process of trying to pick out a new sports bra. I'm quite up there. Let me tell you. And the wearing 2 sports bras thing I got going on right now isn't working so hot. I ended up bleeding from my broken one. No Bueno. But can I get myself to spend the money on it? Oh geez. I wish I could go to the store and pick one out and try it on. But just like my shoes and wide width. They just don't go carrying DDD sports bras in the store. Hello Amazon. /end rant.

Speaking of shoes!! I bought 3 pairs this week! My running shoes came in. Which I am ecstatic to say they have PURPLE in them! I have never in my life owned a "cute" pair of running shoes. All the shoes I have ordered have been grey and blue or white and blue. Well I think I about scared the guy at the running store when he opened the box and I let out a squeal about them being grey and purple. I have cute running shoes! He mumbled something about them having new colors every year and something something..but yeah. I am excited. And then I just happened to try this pair of sandals on at Payless Shoesource. Now granted I haven't been able to fit into their shoes for a good 10 years (since I worked there). Well I slipped these on and to my shock and surprise they fit me too. They are a little to long in front, but that's ok. I ended up buying the tan pair that day. (2 pairs of shoes in one day?!?) And then I went back the following day and got a black pair. This never happens to me. I would just like to say. I pretty much just doubled the amount of shoes that I own in 2 days. I have 3 pairs that I wear consistently: a pair of flip flops (men's cause they fit better), a pair of backless clog type slip on casual shoe, and my running shoes. Then I have the nice dress shoes I just bought for the wedding I went to in April, and 2 other sandal dress shoes. I felt like such a girl coming home with all these shoes. Anyways. That was a joy for me this week haha..

And I am happy to report that I am just about unpacked and all moved into my new house (at least my PERSONAL stuff is). I have found a place for all my stuff, or it is conveniently hiding behind a door or in a drawer for me to sort through later. I have a friend coming to hang pictures with me tomorrow and everything will have its place. It's kind of exciting.

Now that I've rambled on ;) I am going to do a yoga thing on youtube and go to bed! I have woken up so stiff lately, that I want to see if this will help me at all, It's 20 minutes of gently stretching. Nothing bad :)

Wednesday Weigh in Week 53

Alrighty Steph. There ya go, Week 53 ;)

Well Christmas is over and done with. Man the day after Christmas sometimes seems like a major letdown! You have this giant build up to Christmas and deadlines and making sure all the presents are bought (or at my house made) and wrapped and food is made and then it happens. And then you wake up the day after Christmas. And you eat all your Christmas candy to "get rid of it" because January 1st is coming you know, and there is a New Year's resolution just waiting to be made and broken. I mean I literally have consumed way more amounts of sugar today than a person should. Well actually I have consumed way more in the past 3 days. No wonder I have a headache right now. This sugar coma is going to be a doozy to get rid of.

But I did manage to get up this morning and weigh myself before the boys got out of bed. I *only* gained .6 pounds last week. Which brings my year end total to 12 pounds.

12 pounds.

That's not exactly Finishing What I Start. But I am fully aware of my actions and I am not really making any excuses for them. I didn't workout like I should have and I didn't eat like I should have. And there you go. I didn't lose weight. Although ironically enough 12 pounds is 10% of what I really wanted to lose.

I did learn a lot about myself this year though.

I learned I do really good with deadlines and goals. I had a goal to lose weight by a friend's wedding in March and I did that. But once the wedding came and I "cheated" on my eating, I never did get back eating right the rest of the year. And once again, I will be losing weight for a wedding. Though I'm not in it, I am attending it ;) And that's still the same.

I learned that I am a HUGE stress eater. When I don't know how to control things and circumstances come up that there is nothing I can do about them, I will eat. And eat. And eat. I will eat to deal with things too. Food has always been my turn to comfort. It's always been there. Even in secret. I ate due to circumstances that were beyond my control and the food was the only thing I could control. It's like I punish myself with food. It seems like it would be a reward. But a lot of times it was just how much food can I shove in my mouth before I forget about my problems...

I learned that I am allergic to a lot of foods. Which is horrifying. Because it's all foods that I love. So all this food I love is hurting my body and I still continue to eat it. Because I can't seem to give it up. Well the peanuts I  gave up immediately. I haven't had peanut butter anything since July of this year. That number was so off the charts scary I have no idea how I wasn't sick from it. But giving up milk, cheese, and ice cream and eggs is like a big sad thing. I have to learn how to say No and stick with it. And I just might see my body change.

BUT.

I also learned that I am a lot stronger than I thought. I started the Couch to 5k not once, but twice this year. The first time I did it all the way completely without missing a day. The second time I actually skipped the last two weeks almost and just got straight to running for 30 minutes. When I was really doing well I was running consistently 3 times a week. And that's good for me! Just changing and running right after work was a really good time for me. Except now. LOL. Now I get off work at 3:30 and it's getting dark by 4:15. Not enough time to get my runs in :/
 I actually enjoy the plan I made for my Bloomsday training, I just need to get back to it and stick to it. (Which I will be doing as soon as I get my gym cleaned up. It turned into extra craft room this year and has sawdust all over it because we were cutting wood inside because it was too windy outside. Now there is a layer of sawdust everywhere :/)

I learned that I kinda sorta like to run. It's definitely good me time. I have learned however that living in the desert it's hard to find a good time to run that I'm not running in 90+ weather. I had very good intentions over the summer, but I can't get up and go in the mornings when I have the boys and my mom is already at work. So we might have to work something out this summer. We will see. Spring and Fall running was amazing. Haven't made it out a whole lot this winter, but now that I have my new Garmin, I will be getting out there more. Nothing like a new toy to get you re-motivated. As well as signing up for Bloomsday. I gotta talk to my buddies and make sure it's still a go. I know none of us have been following the plan hardly at all. But there is still 5 months to go, and I know I will be ready by then :)

So the goal over the next few days is to not continue to beat myself up mentally over not completing my goal. I am lighter slightly than I was last year. And that's good. I just need some determination to stick around and the willpower to accomplish what I want to. January is the time of year where I get all hard core about this. And then I usually taper off about March. So the goal is to make it through to April :) And beyond. The magic number every month is 9 LOL! 9 pounds a month. Seems so easy peasy on paper. I just need it to be easy peasy in life. I will of course be coming up with some new goals. I know I am going to have to make eating goals and working out goals every month to make this work for the next year. But I am a goal maker for sure. I just need to be a goal finisher..

Finishing the goal. Finishing what I start. Still happening.

<3

Wednesday Weigh in Week 52

Wow. A whole year. I always seem to end the year quite frustrated with myself because I never lose the weight that I wanted to. And this year is no different. Looking at a year, I managed to keep off 12.6 pounds. Which all in all I suppose is good. But I had lost 25. Blah Blah Blah. I try to not beat myself up mentally over it. So that's where the end of my year is at. ;) I have no idea why my body chooses to hold on to weight the way it does. Part of it could have been sodium. Because literally all week from Thursday to Tuesday my weight was 226.6. I mean that was almost down 3 pounds, and then it jumped back up a little bit this morning, but I had a lot of salt yesterday. And because I've been working on presents, and just having a lot to do this time of year, I haven't worked out since last Wednesday. I will definitely be getting back to that soon. I just have to get these presents made and wrapped :0) And the wind to stop. I will not be running in super crazy wind.

We are in high Christmas mode at my house! We barely got our tree up, I have no idea where our stockings are, and we are frantically trying to finish up all the presents we are making. It really amuses me when I tell people that we generally will make all of our gifts to our family. Like it's a totally crazy thing? Do you make your family their presents? I mean with my immediate family, it's usually a bought gift. But with my family that all gets together at my grandma's house on Christmas it's a homemade thing. And we are usually all like that. I have just accepted the fact that I live in a family of gift givers. Part of my family for years has tried to get us to draw names for gifts. It's just not gonna happen! Haha..We have got something pretty cool up our sleeves this year. But I'm not telling...5 more days to go!! I'm thinking Christmas might be one of the few days I actually make it to bed before midnight. If I don't go crashing a bit tonight. I still have one more part of a present that I need to get done tonight, and then I will be hitting the bed. And seeing if my body will even let me fall asleep before then.

We had a HUGE windstorm here on Monday in the very early hours. Our cities lost hundreds of trees. Like literally, we lost ours in the front yard, it fell over on my sisters car. Luckily it was a Willow, so the branches weren't all that heavy. It didn't come completely out of the ground, but the roots are tilted and exposed, meaning it's gonna have to be cut down :( And we had 3 houses across the street that all lost at least a tree apiece. One I think lost 3 or 4. So that was 6-8 trees just on my block. Several areas were without power for up to a day. We had 78 mph gusts where I live and the top of one of our mountains hit over 100 mph. It was crazy to lay there and "try" to sleep. At that point I was just praying that the tree right next to my bedroom didn't come crashing down on me! So it was a tiring day to say the least.

Question: Should I still keep track of my wednesday weigh in's next year like week 53, week 54? Or do you think that's a little much?

Have a very Merry Christmas. Enjoy your families, Enjoy the treats. Take the time to remember your ones that aren't with you, and make some new memories with the ones that are

Wednesday weigh in week 51

Woah. I can't believe that I have been doing this for almost an entire year! And I can't believe I have gained all about about 10 pounds of my weight back. This definitely wasn't how the story played out in my head in January when I was serious and started all of this. This was going to be my year, and I was finally going to do it! Flash forward to December. My mom has had surgery 3 times this year, and I have had 3 deaths in the family since October. Less than 2 months. Um yeah. I have learned this year that I definitely live by circumstances. I have periods of doing great. Especially when I have a goal! And then life throws me a curve ball, and well, Dairy Queen becomes my new BFF. The most I lost this year was 25 pounds. So 15 has crept back on. And boy can I feel it!

And I know the things I need to do. I need to quit drinking coffee. I need to quit eating dairy. I need to quit eating wheat. I know how my body feels when I don't have these things in me. Especially when I am allergic to them. It's just so. dang. hard. To all of the sudden throw out a food you have eaten your entire life. And the staples of your diet. I mean. I tell people all of the things I am allergic to and they ask me what the heck I eat. Um yeah. Not a whole lot. And then I sneak in the foods that I shouldn't be eating. And don't even get me started on exercise. Here's the thing. When I work out. I lose weight. When I don't work out? I don't lose weight. Plain and simple. Cut and dry. Well yeah. If I could just manage to stay away from all the foods that I'm allergic to, and work out 6 times a week, I would probably have it made :)

Oh speaking of running, since I really wasn't ;) I finally just jumped ahead again to week 8 of the Couch to 5k and ran for half an hour today. Well I really didn't jump ahead because it was the week I was scheduled to do it. But I haven't ran at all in the last 2 weeks. The last day I did was week 6 day 1. And today I decided since it wasn't raining, and I really needed to get back to my running, I would just go for it. And I am such a fashion crisis when I run. It's kinda just ridiculous. Blue ear warmers, red and green shirts, black pants and black gloves. Oh and a white passport belt around my waist because that's my poor girl's running belt. (I mean, I actually thought it was genius! I had a belt, and it will hold my key, phone, and other little things. And then it wasn't all in my pockets, which my capris didn't have).

But I did my 30 minute run. And the craziest thing came out of my mouth when I was done. "Well that was kinda easy!" uh yeah. Well the first mile was 19:09 and the second mile was 19:03. I apparently did really good on my breathing because I wasn't out of breath, and completely wheezing or anything like that. Either that or I just plan didn't work hard enough. But I did realize that when I run my virtual 5k for Katie's 31st birthday next month that I will have to pick up a little speed. I'm thinking I was stupid when I said I wanted to finish it in under 48 minutes I think. I'm pretty sure I forgot I was back up to a 19 minute mile and not an 17 minute one. Hmmm...How am I going to do it that fast? If I go the pace I ran today it will still take me almost an hour to run 3.1 miles.I definitely need to drop some pounds so my time will speed up :0)

I was expecting to be panting when I started my 5 minutes of cooling down..but nope. I was fine. I miss running. Of course we are getting into the cold part of winter. I don't have a treadmill. I can't afford a gym. So I am just heading outside. OH and my knee didn't hurt while I was running! That was nice. When I started my little training plan it kept twinging while I was running, and it didn't do that today. I was a happy girl.

Ok, I could just blab blab blab..so I am going to get my lunch ready for work tomorrow and head to bed. But here is my picture. of my gain. Next week will be different.

Wednesday Weigh in Week 43

Oh and that wonderful warm and fuzzy feeling of NyQuil is starting to kick in! :0) I have somehow managed to start getting whatever is going around. My mom and sister have both had this lovely sinus crap going around and that's kind of what I started feeling like last night. That's probably why I was really wanting some Hot Tamales at the store last night. That's one of the things that I want when I'm sick. Weird? Yes. But I think sometimes the hotness of them should make my throat feel better. In theory right? So I bailed on worship practice and I am posting and going to bed. It's not going to be too much longer before I am conked out. So I figured I better get on here and post!

I am still super busy right now, I think I could have had something every night this week if I wanted to. But really all I want to do is sleep :-) I knew I should have stayed home sick today. But I felt guilty that I had missed so much work in the last couple of weeks and I wasn't truly sick enough to stay home. So I toughed it out. I tried not to be too mean of a teacher today. I'm not sure how well I succeeded. On top of the two kids that threw up in our afternoon class. I was totally done by the end of school. And really it's only 7 and I am just about ready to crawl into bed. Too bad I can't actually sleep for 12 hours. But hopefully 9 or so before I wake up.

I'm excited to say I have a new goal. And irritated that I got sick right away. I twisted talked my friend into doing Bloomsday again next year! It's a 12k race that we have done 3 times together, and I have done it 4. We ended up not doing it this year because we both weren't ready training wise, and then my mom ended up being just out of surgery the first time.So it wouldn't have worked out anyway. So We came up with a 28 week plan which freaked out another friend who is doing it with us ;) But part of the whole process is finishing the training as much as finishing the race. Since we have both done it. But the training for it is the harder thing to finish :) So come May of 2013 I will be again doing a 12k. And hopefully running some of it :)

Lost a pound this week. Tried to really cut back and avoid the foods that I shouldn't be eating. And lost a pound. Shows that avoiding things does work, sadly enough.

:0)

Wednesday Weigh in Week 42

Meh. I am in total survival mode at this point. I have thankfully quit shoving everything in sight into my mouth. This is helped by the fact that I am broke LOL! No money means no buying crap to shove into your body! No money however also leads to no buying good food for your body. Drat that double-edged sword.

I took today and tomorrow off. Needed some alone time before Saturday. I was a little surprised that my work actually allows 5 days for bereavement leave. I have actually taken 3. Don't think I will end up using the other two, since it was so crazy broken up LOL. But I'm pretty sure I can go to work with no kids and work for 3 hours on friday ;)

We are back to our crazy bi-polar weather :0) Cold in the morning (I keep having to defrost my car!!)and warm in the afternoon. (I'm getting rid of the coat!!) Must mean it's fall!

Tomorrow I have to get some more shopping done before my co-worker's bridal shower in the morning. And I really have got to get this zucchini bread made that I have had zucchini's for for the last 3 weeks. Geesh! I am getting behind in my baking. I have apples that are waiting to be made into applesauce too. That is if my brother's don't quit eating them! Haha.

Up to my eyeballs

I have come to a realization that I don't want to post here unless I have positive things to say. Haha. And my life hasn't exactly been a bed of roses lately. So I think I have refrained from writing, because I don't want it sound like I feel like my life has been a bit of a mess. But it has, so I guess it's just time to quit thinking about that.

I have about had it up to my eyeballs this last week. With my mom having to go back to the doctor, to my grandpa passing away the same day, and then I had my sister in law in the emergency room TWICE with pain they couldn't figure out. Needless to say, I'm physically tired, emotionally tired and I'm ready for a break.

And I'm tired of food! That's a sign right there that I have just eaten so dang much lately. But isn't food the universal comfort when someone passes away? The thing that brings everyone together. Or drowning your sorrow in food? I think I'm beyond that point. Not quite ready to quit eating everything! LOL ;) I do like food. Just not right now.

I chopped my hair off this week. It's funny how you start to see patterns in your life. When things start to get kind of bad and I start to feel the signs and signals of depression, I chop my hair. Because well it needed it for one thing. But it's some sort of self appreciation thing? Usually when I get depressed it has something to do with my appearance. And by cutting my hair it makes me start to feel better about how I feel. So I found a wonderful new hairdresser who spent an hour and 15 minutes with me, teaching me how to style( ie blow dry) my hair and I ended up with a hairstyle that I didn't have to wash for 2 days! That was kind of nice. Until I blow dryed my hair today for the first time and realized I didn't have the little piece to go on my blow dryer to control the airflow. The piece I had went to my last blow dryer. :/ Dang it. Looks like I will be getting a new blow dryer soon if that's the case. I so happy that I found someone who knows how to cut short hair. I actually came out of there looking the closest to a picture that I took in.

My big thing this week is practicing the song I get to sing at my Grandpa's funeral on Saturday. He wanted Amazing Grace sung. Not sure the way that I'm gonna sing it ;) But I think it will be a good thing :) Now I just have to not look at any family member while singing it, so as to not start crying in the middle of it :) I worked on it a little bit after church today, but since I really haven't sang the song in 4 years, I'm a little rusty on it. :) Will be spending lots of time in my room singing this week HAHA!

The seasons are changing around here. Which seems to be a perfect time to make changes in other things. The next change I need to make is to start working out again. My knee has been killing me. Which shows me I've gained too much weight back and it's way beyond time to get serious again...

Wednesday Weigh in Week 41

Well, the inevitable happened last night. My grandpa passed away. For us to know it was happening and have to slowly watch it was not fun at all. But the actual speed of it was quicker than we had thought. Sunday wasn't a good day, and the nurse and my grandma couldn't get him to wake up for his dialysis treatment on Monday, and then last night around 6 he was gone. The stubborn old man waited until no one was with him before he left. Which left my grandma in tears. We had a text saying come say goodbye, and by the time my aunt and sister had gotten the two blocks from our house to theirs he was already gone. We weren't expecting this until at least Friday. But it's here. And he isn't in pain anymore, Praise the Lord. I think by the time things are so long and drawn out by the end of it, you want the death for them because, Let's face it: No pain is better than pain. And it was hard to go over and not have him recognize you. Or to see him tremble like he did in so much pain. We will forever love the nurses that were with him at the house.

I was able to be there yesterday afternoon. I was able to go in and silently say my goodbye. At that point he had been "sleeping" for over 24 hours and I knew time was close. So I spent a few hours with my grandma and uncle and the nurse. Not knowing that within 4 hours he would be gone. But knowing it was soon.

And after my mom went over and came back I went back over and was there with the family. And didn't cry until I saw my uncle weeping. Which still brings me to tears. A man crying will get me every every time. And then I went and bought cookies. And promptly ate 3 of them. Because Dairy Queen was closed and I couldn't get ice cream. So there you go. Still treating myself with food.

So today I am home again. Mom has some more appointments today because she is still in so much pain from the surgery. She barely made it home from Spokane before he passed away. And life will keep going. Although a little more somber than it has been. And there will be a new normal of things. Slowly. I honestly haven't lost a grandparent in 25 years. I have forgotten what that feeling is like. Although I lost my Dad 8 years ago. And this reminded me of that so much. And its that pain and remembering that's the hardest. How similar the endings were.

And now I have to prepare to sing for the Patriarch of our clan. The one who wants a Halloween Bach played at his service, fitting that he passed away in October.  And Amazing Grace. Although probably not the version he knew so well. ;)

Weight wise I pretty much stayed even. Just a couple ounces less than I was last week, and if all I can do is maintain this week I am perfectly ok with that.

 

Wednesday Weigh in Week 40

eeh. .6 pounds up today. I'm gonna be pretty honest. It's that time of the month for me as a girl. It's always a fun one when it comes on weigh in day. Not. Or the fact that I ate a box of girl scout cookies in two days. Or the coffee I'm having. Or maybe the ice cream. Yeah. I'm not really good at discipline right now. And I am starting to see the toll. Like the mini emotional breakdowns in my closet because I got rid of all my "bigger" clothes and now since I've been gaining weight again none of my clothes fit. It makes me wonder sometimes where the mutilate your own body by shoving massive amounts of food in it came in to play. Like who thinks of these things? How did it come to be? And how in the world did it start to become my pattern? Why did food become my turn to instead of God? I have never ever been one of the kind to starve myself or make myself throw up. But I can shove it down like no one's business. Which is quite frightening  to think of after watching a Dr Oz show on binge eating. And how to stomach grew and they showed an x-ray of it. I freaked out. But it didn't quite stop me from eating. Although. I don't know if I would actually put me in the category of binge eating. I don't know. I usually don't sit and eat large quantities at one time. It's more like just eating all throughout the day. So it's kind of weird.

Honestly life is kind of hard right now. I've got my Mom recovering from surgery. I don't know if I've been the greatest help around this time, but I'm doing what I can. And I have to face the truth of the fact that I have another family member dying. The cancer has returned. The end is inevitable. I haven't had to face this road since 8 years ago when my Dad passed away from cancer. And you know what. I'm not looking forward to it. And food, like always is once again my coping mechanism. My I don't want to deal with this right now, so I'm going to just eat whatever the crap I want to to numb myself and make all the pain go away.

And the hardest part is knowing what I need to do and then simply not doing it. I know I need to make "me" time. The time where I tell everyone no and go do my working out. But I can only handle a dirty kitchen for so long, and there are times where I just have to cook dinner, and well there you go again. Yo yo up..yo you down.

So there's the ugly part of weigh loss. The part where it's not even happening. The part where I'm really just trying to make it through the day. And if that includes two lunches. Or 2 coffees a day it might happen. But eventually I have to get it back to an hour-long workout, a sense of accomplishment and about more 100 pounds gone.

And that's the balance I haven't been able to find yet.

Wednesday Weigh in week 38

38 weeks. Where has this year gone? It's downright crazy to think that we are almost done with this year already. That's kind of how my mind works, we start hitting that cold weather and bam! The year is over. Haha..Twisted thinking...

I have been very very bad lately. Drinking coffee almost every day. The problem is I don't have the stuff to make the coffee. So of course I have to buy it. And with all the money that I have spent on buying it, I could have just bought a bag of coffee, the syrup, and some sort of milk to go in it. *smacks forehead*. Then I could at least be making it at home.

I'm beginning to realize how big of an issue that dairy is for me. Only because I have been having a lot of it again lately with coffee and various ice cream runs. I am pretty sure it just like instantly bloats me. Which is a complete and utter shame because I LOVE milk. Which is probably why I've been having a hard time letting go of the coffee again. It's the only time I will have milk. Like I haven't sat down and had a glass of milk since I found out I was allergic to it. But I have had ice cream or frozen yogurt or coffee with milk in it :) It's so so hard to let go of something like that. I can tell the difference though.:/

I have been a good girl and stayed away from the peanuts. Now that's a miracle! I haven't had peanuts since July. Right at 3 months now. Oy. I gotta get cracked down on this milk and dairy again. The garlic has been hit and miss. I avoid it when I can. But it's an ingredient in almost everything known to mankind. Good grief! Things you wouldn't expect it to be in have it in there dang it! Haha. And I have gotten into a good routine of only eating beef 2x a week. That one is kind of easy. But I really have to plan for it however.

Having said all of that. I gained 1.6 pounds again. And its the choices I make in food. Now that I am back to school I really need to get settled back into a routine of eating and working out. I am really good at saying it. Now I really need to be good at doing it. If it's one thing I am learning this year about finishing what I start, it's that the process is more in my head. I am wanting it more than ever. I just need to figure out the applying process and I will be doing good :0)

Wednesday weigh in week 37

You know, Wednesday's really creep up on me! Before I know it, there it is Wednesday again and time to do another weigh in. I'm only up .5 a pound right now. Obviously I am doing a reaaaaallly good job at maintaining my weight. I haven't quite found my workout schedule again yet, and I've been eating crap. Which leads to crap. There ya go. I said it.

Right now I'm playing Mom again to my little brothers. My mom is having surgery again tomorrow morning, to fix the boo-boo the doctor did last time she had surgery. But instead of if being in the town I live in, she had to go 2.5 hours away because of the doctor. So it's not like we can just pop in and see her. :( Which puts me in Mom duty for a while. So instead of being able to jet off to the park after work and go walking or running I get to leave work early to pick them up from school and go home and supervise and make dinner and attempt at keeping the house clean. And pretty honestly this is what made my world come crashing down in May when she had her last surgery. I basically haven't worked out much since then. I lost my groove. And it's so so hard to get back into it once it's gone.

I feel like I have started over so much this year. It kind of feels like I have mentally lost. I absolutely don't feel like I have finished what I started. I feel like I failed again. Another year. And yes. I do have 4 months left. But it's nowhere near where I wanted to be at this time. Part of me is disappointed that I didn't get rid of all my "big" winter clothes because I "wasn't" going to need them. Here I am back around the same size as I was last year. In the same clothes that are absolutely driving me crazy.

It's really an interesting thought to think: Why isn't that enough to motivate me back into working out and eating healthier? Why is it that when everything falls apart (so to speak) or things don't go the way I think they should; why do I automatically turn to food and not to God? And for heaven's sake it's not broccoli and apples I crave, it's all the stuff that I eat that I found out I'm allergic to. Which of course makes my body react, and there you go with me holding on my body weight and not losing. Or lose and gain the same 3 pounds for 2 months. I still haven't had that A-ha moment where it clicks. And life changes permanently.

Hello? A-ha? Where are you?

Wednesday Weigh in Week 22

Gosh, it's crazy to look at 22 weeks gone already. Not too much to report right now. I promise to get back to more posting as soon as my life slows down a bit but here is my picture :0)

Yep. A loss of .2. Which is what I consider a good maintaining after the week of crappy eating I have had. So all in all I'm not too upset. I have to realize that times like this in life are going to come and I am going to have to figure out how to make it through them without gaining all the 20 pounds I have lost back. I just have to keep pressing forward!

Wednesday Weigh in Week 21

Yep. Survival Mode still. Well that and I'm a girl. And that's all I'm going to say about that. I am currently sitting in my pajama's fighting the urge to go and buy ice cream. My mind is telling me that it really needs a blizzard. My stomach isn't completely full. I was thinking about eating a piece of pizza in a little bit. That might help with this ice cream problem.

What I really need to do is get back to my gluten free diet. For the last couple of days I have this spot in my mouth that I am pretty sure is candida related. And I could probably get rid of it by going back to GF. My life is quite stressful at the moment. So I am just coping by using food. Sometimes I wish I was the other way around. Coping by not eating. But then again I want to be healthy. Or at least coping by working out. I still haven't figured out how to be home to take care of family and work out. I literally want to go to bed the second I know the boys are asleep because I am just so tired. Let's be real here. Getting up by 5:30 to take care of dog/Mom/boys, get me ready for work, work 7 hours, cook dinner, do baths, read stories, put boys to bed, clean the kitchen and try to keep my eyes open until 9 doesn't somehow include exercise. But it does include stuffing my face. Sometimes stuffing it to stay awake. Last night I crawled into bed at 8 hoping to get some much needed sleep. Yeah. I felt like I woke up every hour. Or to say the least felt like I rolled over a million times. It's 7 now and I am ready to crawl back into bed. Sometimes the dishes are just gonna stay dirty.

And I know it's bad to think that I'm really not all that concerned that my weight is going up and down right now. I think partly it's due to not wanting to beat myself up for not being on track to my goal. But circumstantially right now, I don't feel like I am doing all that bad. I haven't gained it all back. I'm at least being honest with myself. I'm under a 10 pound gain. I really just need to get through the next 3 weeks and then I will be able to get back to being really serious. Or that's what I keep telling myself in my head.

Wednesday weigh in week 20

Oh man. 20 weeks? Yikes

See I was all prepared for a big huge gain this week. I mean. After all I have been stuffing my face ALL week. And not exercising ALL week. Sometimes you just go into survival mode and life happens. So when I got on the scale this morning and this number came up I kind of got off scratching my head. So did I really gain all that weight last week or was it just a fluke on the scale? I don't know. All I know is the number went down and I stuffed my face all week. Weird but true.

I turned into instant full time mom last week when my Mom had major surgery and is going to be down and out for the next 4-6 weeks. So I am basically now watching 2 boys 24 hours a day and trying to figure out how to work and work out and not eat myself out of my body. I have less than a month until school is out and that's what I am waiting for right now! LOL!

Wednesday Weigh in week 14

Irritated today. Irritated that for the whole month of March I gained .4 pounds.  Irritated that I have to be all or nothing.

Needless to say it's been an irritating week for me. I made choices to eat things I should be this month and it shows on the scale. And that the scale can say 217.6 for two days up to Wednesday and then it jumps back up on Wednesday. But hey mini binges the day before weigh in will do that to you.

I think I am ready to put March behind me. And ignore the fact that I feel like I am 10 pounds behind my goal. This just proves that I have to be more deliberate in my food choices. And figure out how to get a workout in on weeks like this week when I haven't been able to get out and go run in almost a week.

I am ready for spring break next week. I am ready for some time away from my preschoolers and seriously get some spring cleaning done in my life. I am in purge mode in my life, and that part has nothing to do with food. I am cleaning out and getting rid of stuff like it's no ones business. I think I cleaned out almost 1/3 of my filing cabinet last night of things that I no longer need. And once that gets done I am gonna be in tip top shape :)

Is it June yet ;)